Anyone who knows me knows I’m a sucker for campy, horrible, B-rated horror movies…the worse, the better. Horrible CGI? YES. Terrible acting? YES. At least 6 pairs of boobs in the first 2 minutes? DONE AND DONE.
Sure the Sharknado franchise is great…I’ve seen and love them all…but they just can’t compare with these other awesome 13 B-rated movies I’ve seen over the years. Three-headed sharks, zombie beavers, gay werewolves…yup, all those and more await you in this epic list of 13 Awesomely Horrible B-Horror Movies Worth Watching NOW.
Now, there are some ground rules to getting on this list. These movies are actually ENJOYABLE…a good chunk of movies on the market like this are honestly painful to watch…but these will at least offer an entertainment factor.
OK, everyone…Halloween is only a few days away…if you’re up late crafting your costume like I am, turn on Netflix and get ready to watch some seriously amazing cinematic gold…
In no particular order…
13 Awesomely Horrible B-Horror Movies Worth Watching NOW
Lake Placid
Something is rotten in the state of Maine. A monster is lurking below the shallows of Black Lake and is attacking humans and animals alike. When local law enforcement finds an ancient tooth in a victim, two Fish and Game officers are called in to help solve the mystery…however, when they discover their monster is a giant saltwater crocodile, the team must figure out a way to transport the beast back to the ocean before it kills everyone on the lake. Starring Brendan Gleeson, Bridget Fonda, Bill Pullman, Oliver Platt, and Betty White (of course), Lake Placid easily has some of the best lines in campy movie history, including, “Stop throwing heads at me!”, “If I had a dick, this is where I’d tell you to suck it!”, and “…maybe you can chew the bark of my big fat log.” I mean, how can you NOT want to watch it? The success of Lake Placid also spurred two direct sequels, both of which were terrible…and not in the GOOD way. It also inspired another film that was aired on Syfy, Lake Placid vs. Anaconda…
Lake Placid vs. Anaconda
…which was epic in all the RIGHT ways! Set in Clear Lake, Maine (which is across from Black Lake, naturally), the fabulous plot of this movie involves a giant anaconda being crossbred with a giant crocodile. Why? Why not! However, when both creatures escape the testing lab, it’s up to local law enforcement and an assortment of colorful sorority girls to save the day. Filled with all the boobs and blood you could want, Lake Placid vs. Anaconda showcases horrible (awesome) CGI special effects that were probably made using a free PC editing service. Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger) is probably the most well-known actor in this lineup and there are several nods to both the Lake Placid and Anaconda franchises throughout the film. An entertaining and hilarious movie with a fabulous surprise ending, Lake Placid vs. Anaconda is a must-see for fans of either series.
Snakes on a Train
In case it wasn’t clear, Snakes on a Train is a near direct replica of the feature film, Snakes on a Plane, starring Samuel L. Jackson. Personally, I was not a fan of Snakes on a Plane…I thought it took itself way too seriously. Snakes on a Train however…now that’s more my speed! Released by The Asylum Company, a production company specializing in “mockbusters” (they also are the brains behind the Sharknado franchise and Three-Headed Shark Attack, which we’ll talk about later), Snakes on a Train is a gem in this lineup of campy horror movies. A woman who has been put under a Mayan curse boards a train with her collection of snakes (all of which she has grown and hatched herself, by the way). When she is attacked by bandits on her way to visit a shaman who is supposed to lift the curse, the snakes escape and begin attacking the rest of the passengers on the train. As you might have guested, there are few survivors in this epic battle between man and beast…and when the curse transforms the woman into a large snake herself, well, you can just imagine what happens.
Stitches
OK I very rarely watch clown movies…like, basically never. But one night my husband and I were just looking for a fun scary movie to watch and he picked Stitches. With lots…LOTS…of convincing (there may have been a beer bribe in there), he finally convinced me to watch it…and I’m so glad he did! Even for those of us who hate clowns, Stitches is a comical and dare I say, enjoyable (?) scary clown movie that pretty much had me in ‘stitches’ the whole time. After he’s accidentally murdered at a kids birthday party, Stitches the Clown returns from the dead several years later to seek revenge on the kids responsible for his death. Filled with clever and amazing death scenes, this movie is perfect for a Halloween movie night.
Zombeavers
I gotta be honest, this movie BARELY made it on this list. It tried a little too hard to be bad, and everything was done just so to make it look intentional…but nonetheless, it was still somewhat enjoyable…and had a little cameo by Bill Burr, which was a fun surprise! When a traffic accident sets a tub of toxic waste into a local river, beavers become infected with a virus that turns them into zombies. Nearly un-killable and hungry for flesh, these beavers attack a local camping ground where a bunch of boobs and their dumb boyfriends are camping for the weekend. A battle of life and death ensues…and when our dumb-witted heroes are eventually bitten by these zombie beavers, well, things get really interesting…P.S. not family friendly, in case that wasn’t obvious enough. Queue ALL the vagina jokes in the world.
Three Headed Shark Attack
Another creature feature from The Asylum Production Company, Three-Headed Shark Attack was everything I wanted it to be and more. Maybe it’s just that I’m a sucker for shark movies…or that’s all that really seems to be in the market now, but this movie is a treat for any B-horror fan. What’s worse than a shark attacking boob-a-licious beach babes? A SHARK WITH THREE HEADS! As our survivors get picked off one by one, or three by three, this shark continues to feed and grow…and nothing can stop this monster that is three times as deadly as a great white. As the group fights to the finish, the shark’s intelligence and brain power grows…and in a culminating battle of epic proportions, the survivors and the beast battle in a bikini-filled war for dominion over the ocean.
Drive-Thru
Another clown movie I was forced into watching, Drive-Thru is about a troubled mascot named Horny the Clown. Yup, that’s right. The face of the local chain “Hella Burger”, Horny insults a group of hungry teens on their way through the drive thru. One of the teens enters the restaurant to confront the voice behind the intercom and is dunked head first into a deep fat fryer. The other teens meet similar ends and that is how this redonkulous movie STARTS. Horny continues torturing and murdering unexpecting teens in a bloody gruesome series of events. Personally, I found this a little too gory for my tastes, but it still had comedic charm and stars Leighton Meester, probably best known for her role as Blair on Gossip Girl. If you hate clowns, I might pass on this one…but for those of you who have no qualms with clowns and love a good gory romp, Drive-Thru is sure to entertain.
Rubber
Let me just explain the premise of this movie to you, dear readers: a tire comes to life and kills people with its psychic powers. That’s it. That’s the movie. It’s amazing. An ironically deep movie, Rubber starts off in the middle of a desert with a group of people who are gathered together to watch a film. A sheriff in the crowd points out that many moments in cinema happen for “no reason” and that life is full of this phenomenon. It’s presumed that the sheriff is talking both to the film the group is gathered to watch as well as the film Rubber, which adds to its deep and meaningful subplot: sometimes, shit just happens. A very loose representation of Shakespeare’s “play within a play” scenario, Rubber is a hilariously bad movie with kind of an unexpected and interesting message.
Tremors
How can you have a list of awesome B-movies and not include Tremors? A personal family favorite and actually a very funny and enjoyable movie to watch, Tremors is about giant worms in Perfection, Nevada that attack their prey from under the ground. With a great cast made up of Kevin Bacon, Fred Ward, Reba McEntire, and Michael Gross, Tremors is a definite go-to if I need a good monster movie. Despite its position on this list, Tremors was actually really well-received and was hailed by critics for its diverse cast and humor. It was considered “an affectionate throwback to 1950s creature features” and was deemed “solid entertainment” by TV Guide. Not surprisingly, Tremors also has an array of sequels, the fifth of which is streaming on Netflix now (and is actually a really good movie!). Love bad jokes, witty rednecks, and lots and lots of guns? This is the movie for you!
Avalanche Sharks
After a snowboarder accidentally starts a major avalanche at Twin Pines Ski Resort, the moving snow uncovers and awakens a prehistoric “snow shark” that has been trapped underneath for years. When several skiers go missing, the resort owner becomes nervous…as the big Bikini Snow Day (the busiest day of the year, obviously) is no time to start losing customers to ancient snow sharks. To make matters worse, local law enforcement has cut off roads to the resort, trapping all these scantily clad snow bunnies at this shark-infested resort. How do you outrun a snow shark in a bikini? Well, I guess you’re just going to have to wait and find out!
Sharktopus
Half shark, half octopus…100% predator! Complete with some of the worst acting I’ve ever seen (maybe even comparable to The Room…maybe…), Sharktopus is another mash up of epic proportions, involving a creature with a sharks face and teeth and an octopus’s body. Originally engineered by the U.S. Navy to be used for combat, the sharktopus creature escapes the control of its creators and makes its way to Puerto Vallarta. While hunting the beaches, it consumes several busty beach goers and even has a few magical powers to help make it one epic killing machine! Another classic from the SyFy network, Sharktopus is worth a watch if you’re a fan of shark or monster movies.
Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead
I had to save the best two for last. Probably #1 on my list of horrible but awesome B-movies, Poultrygeist follows a group of folks trapped inside a fried chicken restaurant which is being attacked by a chicken-possessed zombie demonic alien spirit…all because the restaurant, American Chicken Bunker, is built on a sacred Native American burial ground. Best of all, it’s a MUSICAL. That’s right. A musical. A chicken-zombie musical. I really can’t do it more justice than that. With dark hilarity and amazing puppetry and special effects, Poultrygeist has to be appreciated for its shear production value. I mean, some money went into this…not a lot, but some. It took six years to get this film from script to screen, and was shot on 35 mm film. Amazing costumes, great dance scenes, and awesome music make this horror flick a MUST on any bad movie line up.
Chillerama
Sometimes the best movies are ones we just stumble upon. While scrolling through On Demand one night, my sister and I came upon this gem of a movie. The description said something like this, “A film consisting of four stories that take place at a drive in. Stories include Wadzilla, I Was a Teenage Werebear, The Diary of Anne Frankenstein, and Defecation.” We looked at each other and pressed play immediately. Man, is this movie amazing. As an audience, we join a group of teens gathered together at the drive-in to view a lineup of short monster movies. Each segment pays homage to a different genre and style of film and really has potential to exist all on its own. Each drive in movie is about 10-15 minutes and each one is glorious in its own way:
- Wadzilla is a spoof of 50s monster movies and is about a guy that goes to get his sperm count raised, only to create a large sperm that attacks New York City.
- I Was a Teenage Werebear is a musical spoof of movies like Rebel Without a Cause and Grease about leather-toting gay werewolves.
- The Diary of Anne Frankenstein is a black and white film about Hitler trying to create the perfect killing machine to help him win the war.
- Defecation is exactly what you think it is. And that’s all I’m gonna say about that.
So tying all these stories together is the framing story taking place at the drive in. Chillerama starts when a worker at the drive in digs up his deceased wife’s body in an act of drunken stupor and attempts…shall we say…things. But when the wife WAKES UP and bites him in his naughty bits, things quickly go from bad to worse for this worker, as he begins turning into a zombie on his way to work. Once at work, he begins to infect all the movie snacks, in turn causing the folks at the drive in who eat them to turn into horny blood thirsty zombies…so all of that is happening during and between the featured other segments. Phew! It’s an adventure, for sure…and one definitely worth taking, if you ask me!
So there you have it!! What other movies should I add to this list? Let me know in the comments below!
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